The Undertakers

Fixtures and Match Reports

Match Reports

Ilford Wanderers III 12 - 7 Chelmsford Undertakers
It was a dark and stormy afternoon; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept across the pitch (for it is in Ilford that our scene lies), Adapted from Edward Bulwer-Lytton's novel Paul Clifford.

It was a Blustery Day, A.A. Milne

Enough of the quotes and on with the report.

With the A12 snarled up the decision to take the back roads to Ilford ensured that most of the team arrived in time for kick off. Unfortunately the car containing the young flyers, driven by one Rob Tett, got lost and didn't arrive until halftime.

So with thirteen men the Undertakers kicked off against second from bottom side Ilford Wanderers RFC. With conditions far from ideal the decision to use the wind in the first half paid dividends as the Undertakers kept the Ilford team in check. With the wind playing havoc the number of scrums played to the Undertakers strengths. An injury to number eight O'Riordan further added to the Undertakers woes halfway through the first half as his hamstring injury limited his mobility. With a scoring opportunity from a five yard scrum the Undertakers failed to turn pressure in to points as Ilford snaffled the ball away and cleared their lines.

Just before halftime Tett and his troops arrived at the ground in a somewhat unhurried mood strolling along to the changing rooms and then moseying out to the pitch as if surplus to requirements. After some waving of arms and shouts to the touchline the Undertakers finally reached full strength although five points behind.
With the addition of youngsters Atkinson and John-Baptist, both in the centre and fresh from their tour of Ilford, the Undertakers were back in the game as their direct running started to open up the Ilford backline. In the pack, now having a full eight, the dominance at the scrum started to show through as the Ilford front row juggled their positions to try and counter the Undertakers scrum. Could Dunny have been wasted in the front row all these years as he seems to have found his natural position as a non-jumping second row.

A seemingly wrong refereeing decision allowed Ilford to further their lead as he judged the Undertakers had entered a ruck at the side. Frustrated and questioning the referee the defense failed to mark Ilford at the penalty and their prop crashed over to score.

The Undertakers quickly reduced the deficit as Newport scored from a five yard scrum as the Undertakers shunted the Ilford pack over their line following a penalty awarded under the posts. Jefferson converted.

With the clock ticking down the Captain suffered a brain injury as he thought we were winning. With time running out Ilford kicked down field to pin the Undertakers inside their own 22. Winning the lineout the ball was fed to Jefferson at outhalf. With the Captain screaming for Jefferson to kick the ball out, Jefferson knowing that we were still behind, tried to run the ball. Ilford gave away a penalty in front if the Undertakers posts and in the Captains mind the game was safe, or was it?

Having checked with the referee that this would be the last play of the game Worsfold took the ball and taped it through the mark to take the penalty. As his team looked on in horror he purposely knocked the ball forward to a bemused Ilford player. Realizing that the referee would play the advantage Worsfold sprang forward and tackled the Ilford player who luckily lost it forward.

Final whistle, a sigh of relief and a cheer of jubilation turned in to embarrassment as the Ilford team also celebrated the win.

Chelmsford Undertakers 7 - 36 Dagenham II
The Undertakers hosted league leaders Dagenham knowing little of what to expect of their opposition.
With a distinct lack of height and recognized lineout jumpers the Undertakers forwards expected a though day at the office but were pleasantly surprised to find the league leaders somewhat lacking in the fat boy department. Unfortunately the mismatch for the forwards in the tight was reversed in the backs as a slick Dagenham backline turned nearly every Undertakers mistake in to a scoring opportunity.

Full back Mackenna's return from injury ended prematurely as he left the field with a back injury early in the first half.
Staffo, enjoying his first full game of the season, supported by a pack that dominated at the scrum had a hard time keeping score of the number of balls taken against the head. The odd ball won by the Dagenham pack being feed so crooked it might as well have been put in under the number eights feet.
Not known for his accuracy at the lineout, and with no chance of second rows Newport and Dunn leaving the ground without using some serious heavy lifting equipment, Staffo actually managed to hit jumpers O'Riordan and Griffith on several occasions.

With the fast Dagenham backline taking liberties at the offside line the Chelmsford backline struggled to find any space often finding the opposition in the middle of any move they tried to run.
With the dominance at the scrum the Undertakers found themselves in possible penalty try territory as having driven the Dagenham pack in to their in goal area the scrumhalf dived in to the Undertakers scrum to illegally prevent a certain try.

At some point during the first half we think that Kev Thomsit scored an unmemorable try which Chadwick converted.
With the halftime score at 26-7 the second half was a closer affair as Dagenham continued to suffer at the scrum.
With Dagenham having to re-jiggle their front row, and credit to them for continuing to play contested scrums despite the pasting they were getting, the clean ball produced by the Undertakers pack seemed to have little impact as again the Dagenham backline made life difficult.

Youngsters Tom, Josh and Cam added some much needed pace to the Undertakers backline as well as reducing the average age of the team by several decades.

Forcedto leave the field with a knee injury Captain Worsfold became the subject of interest to a couple of youngsters standing with their mum at the side of the pitch. "Is he dead Mum?" questioned one of the kids. "Not until I get home." retorted Worsfold wondering how to cover up yet another injury from the wife.
Although the final score line put the Undertakers on nearly a thirty point whopping the tight five claimed a moral victory having given Dagenham a master class in scrummaging.

This month is 'Movember' highlighting the issue of men's health. Dunny is gowing a tash in support of the cause and is hoping we will sponsor him in his efforts to become mustasho positive. If you would like to make a donation in the fight against Prostate Cancer please kick on the link below and sponsor Dunny:

http://uk.movember.com/mospace/150631

Chelmsford Undertakers 20 - 54 Stanford-le-Hope II

Having secured their third win of the season the Undertakers travelled to Stanford-le-Hope hoping to extend their winning streak. With half of the team lost somewhere on the A13 a nervous Captain made numerous calls to guide the lost players to the ground.

In the unusual position of having multiple subs for an away game the Undertakers looked to be in a good position prior to the kickoff with both youth and experience abound.

In the opening exchanges some strong direct running put the pressure on the Stanford side resulting in a quick try for Rob Tett, converted by Chadwick, all within the first five minutes. Unfortunately this proved to be the purple patch for the Undertakers as the subs bench quickly depleted. Rick Griffiths seemed to have put on his Halloween costume early as a whack to his nose ended his game in awash of scarlet.

The much larger and heavier Stanford pack caused all sorts of aggravation at the scrum, blatant wheeling rather than straight drive, with Chelmsford having a hard time securing their own ball. Stanford capitalized with a penalty as Chelmsford's woes started to build as influential number eight and top points scorer Zagger left the field with a hamstring injury having only just returned from the same injury at kickoff. Poof.
The Undertakers, through Chadwick, exchanged penalties with Stanford before a converted Stanford try took them in to a lead they never surrendered.

Following an outrageously high tackle, the victim Caviel, decided that the best course of action was to singlehandedly take on the whole of Stanford in revenge. Luckily in his quickest move of the day Worsfold was able to restrain the red misted Caviel before any damage was done, probably to Caviel.
With the Undertakers lineout actually working, new boy Grant Rex showed that despite being a winger playing second row he hadn't forgotten the chip and chase play as he broke away and sent the Stanford side back towards their twenty two.

Just before the half the Chelmsford scrum, which had improved measurably, won the moral victory of the day as the opposition tighthead and hooker found themselves tiptoeing in thin air. Halftime score 13-10 to Stanford.
With the change of end the fortunes of the Undertakers turned for the worse as a quick try from Stanford set what was to become the theme of the second half. Although Stanford changed their tighthead for a heavier version the Undertakers scrum started to steady but with the loss of the scrumhalf and number eight clean ball was in short supply.

With the referee struggling to control the scrum Stanford found themselves down to fourteen men as their recently subbed on tighthead was sent to the sin bin for not pushing straight. A decision that bemused the Undertakers frontrow.

Stanford extended their lead before an amazing run from Rob Tett, crossing for the try after weaving his way through what seemed to be the entire Stanford team seemed, to offer the Undertakers a glimmer of hope. This proved to be a false dawn.

The try having raised spirits encouraged youngster Tom Wesson to issue some well timed advice to his elder colleagues at the resulting kick off. Having moved players around and told everyone not to let it bounce the 'Tom's ball' shout rang out across the Stanford pitch. Totally misjudging the catch the ball sailed over his head and then bounced, over his head for a second time, in to the hands of a chasing Stanford player.
From this point on things started to move from bad to worse as the Stanford midfield ran amuck.
Final score 54-20.

The hospitality of the Stanford side deserves a mention as they served us dinner, a nice touch I thought.

Chelmsford Undertakers 24 - 12 Bancroft III
With the temperature perfect for Rugby the Undertakers boasting numerous substitutes generously lent the Bancroft team, who arrived with only fourteen players, a number of players as the cancellation of the fours fixture along with the cry off of the flu ridden seconds found the home teams in the unusual position of having more players than they could use.

Having arrived at the club with twenty players on paper the addition of several of the fourth team allowed the Undertakers to provide Bancroft with four extra players including the multi-talented utility player Darryl Newport so the game could start with contested scrums. As always Darryl enjoyed the chance to prop against Chelmsford Veteran Bobby 'Boring' Barnes and had nothing but words of encouragement for his venerable opponent.
With the return of top try scoring Zagger to the backrow we were guaranteed from the kick off that there would no shortage quotes to be related in the match report highlighting his modest tendencies. Indeed the Undertakers started the game with fourteen men as Zagger had run home to collect his metal studded boots as conditions underfoot proved slippery.

The Undertakers quickly opened the scoring with a converted try from Chadwick. Bancroft replied with an unconverted try before fullback, Alex Burdon, retook the lead with an unconverted try.
New recruit Grant Rex, playing his first game in twenty five years, proved an inspired selection at second row. The decision to play him in the engine room, as a) he was the tallest member of the team and b) I thought he told me he was a second row although as it turns out he used to play in the backs, helped provide an little more consistency at the lineout.

Having complained about the lack of weight in last week's match ball Chadwick found the newly acquired ball a tad heavy as he failed to find any distance with a penalty kick inside the Undertakers 22.
Bancroft leveled the score just before the half with the scored tied at 12 all going in to the break.
With both sides making changes at the half the decision to included Tony Miller in the Bancroft substitutes didn't appear to be an inspired choice as from the off he added some much needed impetus to the Bancroft backline.
Zagger opened the scoring in the second half having taken the ball in to space on the Bancroft twenty two he seemed that he would run in unopposed, although he had other ideas. Rather than take the easy option he decided to seek out the fullback, Miller, and took the contact just short of the line. The much heavier Zagger won the encounter and dotted down just outside the posts. As Chadwick missed a sitter of a conversion try machine Zagger was heard telling the Chelmsford pack 'Drive me over and I'll score every time'.

With the Undertakers only a try ahead some comical play put themselves under pressure and offered hope to the Bancroft team. Firstly Jefferson's cross field kick back towards his own goal line followed by Zagger breaking from the scrum and setting off without the ball. Shame he didn't also collect some gloves when he ran home to get his boots. Thirdly Barnes, following what must have been a sudden rush of blood, handled the ball in the scrum and was caught in the act by the referee.

Finally with composure regained a break by Rhodri set Cohen free who converted his own try making the final score 24-12 to the Undertakers.

Chelmsford Undertakers 7 - 33 South Woodham Ferrers III

After a two week layoff the Undertakers returned to the field of play on a cold and overcast day. With SWF struggling to field a front row Phil Watkins started for the opposition so the game could go on with contested scrums.
Opening exchanges saw the sides evenly matched with the experience in the Undertakers backline keeping the younger SWF backs in check. South Woodham opened the scoring with a converted try but were quickly reined in following some exquisite interplay from the three quarters. With Chadwick, Lyons and Jefferson combining with some fleet footwork, belying their age, they were able to set Chadwick free to score under the posts. Chadwick converted to level the scores which stayed tied to the half.

With a couple of personnel changes at the half the Undertakers suffered from the tale of two halves as they failed to match their first half performance. The restart of the half saw the Captain, and budding reporter, fail to secure the ball with SWF pressurizing and driving through the resulting ruck to open the scoring with a converted try.
The problems continued as the SWF scrum, now at full strength, got the upper hand while the lineout, which was going so badly even had the backline kept suggesting improvements, finally broke when a short lineout saw Staffo throw the ball to a stunned Woodham prop who set off towards the Undertakers line.

With things moving from bad to worse the SWF team seemed to benefit from some suspect decision making which saw the Undertakers frustration levels increase while Woodham increased their lead.

A lack of physicality from the Undertakers forwards played in to the hands of the Woodham pack enabling them to score twenty six unanswered points in the half.

With two wins and two losses in the league the Undertakers host Bancroft on Saturday hoping to return to their winning ways.

Chelmsford Undertakers 0 - 69 Old Cooperians II

On yet another hot and sunny day the Undertakers looked to continue their league form against league 7 debutants and unknown quantity Old Cooperians II.

A full strength Undertakers, including the return of last year's captain Paul Burdon returning after a rumoured trip to the big house, received the opening kickoff but soon found themselves on the back foot after failing to field the kick which rolled through the venerable Bobby Barnes legs and in to touch. From the resulting lineout the tone of the game was set as a slick Coppers backline put the ball along the line for their winging to score under the posts with less than a minute on the clock. Luckily the kicker was less than competent and missed the conversion.

The pattern of play continued in the same manner as Coopers used their superior pace in the backs to capitalize on the Undertakers mistakes. Highlight of the first half involved burly winger Pip Tett who making his customary hard zigzagging run saw himself lifted skywards and unceremoniously dumped. The whole of the Undertakers side looked on in admiration of the tackler who given Pip's size must be immensely strong. In the same move Josh Culleton ended his game with a knee injury as the Referee suggested he call half time after 35 minutes.

The second half continued the nightmare for the Undertakers as players started to drop like flys as unassuming top try scorer Zagger limped off with a tear in his tights followed by Cohen with a groin injury. The late arrival of Alex Burdon returned the Undertakers to fifteen players, although Burdon no doubt questioned the decision to bring his kit after recovering from a severe case of the trots the day before. With Coopers running in six tries and five conversion after twenty two minutes a wise decision from the touchline put the Undertakers out of their misery as the referee made his best decision of the game and kindly called fulltime.

A lackluster performance on the pitch was soon forgotten as the post match salute to the late Michael Jackson lifted spirits as many of the team made the effort to dress up, although I'm still having nightmares involving Rob Tett and a Michael Jackson T-shirt. Bobby's Thriller outfit certainly deserves a mention while Staff's wig seemed to roll back the years and answered the question of what did he look like with hair!

Unfortunately the club Disco suffered from a total lack of support with only a handful of people attending. Although many of us have other commitments the club is in need of our support so please make an effort to attend the next function. Rumours of two frontrowers, having closed down the club, being spotted in Chicago's leaning on each other to stay upright are totally unfounded. At least I have no memory of it. Obviously seemed like a good idea at the time!

Chelmsford Undertakers 10 - 5 Westcliff 4ths.
On another hot and sunny day the Undertakers travelled to Westcliff for an early kick off against a youthful Westcliff team. Despite leaving the CRFC car park with little over an hour to kick off the lack of a strenuous warm up paid off dividends as the Westcliff team seemed to peak early following what looked to be a serious warm up session, even involving hitting the pads!

Some inspired selection and shuffling of players proved to be the difference between the two teams with the Chelmsford forwards dominating the scrums. The venerable Bobby 'boring' Barnes proved too much for the Westcliff lose-head prop who was heard whinging from the very first scrum.
With Westcliff running the same inside ball to a fat boy rather than using their obvious superior pace out wide they played in to the hands of the Chelmsford side.

Solid play from the Chelmsford pack set up a scrum just inside the Westcliff twenty-two where Zagger was able to crash over from number eight to open the scoring. Despite turning up with his own kicking tee Chadwick was unable to convert.

Chelmsford's second score of the half followed a break from Cohen supported by Newport who threw an outrageously speculative pass across the Westcliff twenty two to Rob Tett who with some hard running and handing off several defenders ran in for the score.

Just on the stroke of halftime winger Pollard took a nasty knock to the head resulting in the ambulance being called and the game having to be moved to the adjacent pitch. After a nervous twenty minutes Pollard had returned to his feet and was the target of some paramedic humour as one of the three ladies attending to him related a previous trip to an incident at Westcliff. "Last time I was called out to a rugby game here I was very disappointed to find that it was a women's game. This time it seems to be geriatric!"

By the time the reporter/linesman returned to pitch side, after safely seeing Pollard taken off to the hospital, Westcliff had scored an unconverted try and reduced the Chelmsford lead to five points with just over ten minutes to play.
With only one sub Chelmsford were forced to play burly utility player Padmore as Pollard's replacement on the wing. Lucky for the away team he didn't touch the ball the entire second half.

Heavy tackling from Dean Lester saw the Westcliff replacement number eight driven back in a bone crunching tackle which lifted the spirits of the wilting Chelmsford side. Zagger also claimed to have done the same earlier in the second half but without the benefit of a video replay the old adage of 'if a tree falls in a forest with no one to hear it..' applies.

As the clock ticked down the dominance in the scrum continued to offer Chelmsford opportunities to increase their lead but stand in scrumhalf Kidder was unable to capitalise on the advantage leaving the final score 10-5 to the Undertakers.

In another piece of unabashed self promotion Zagger was heard saying of his four tries in two games "I'm not trying to be the top try scorer it's just happening".
With two league wins out of two games the Undertakers host Old Coops II this coming Saturday with a post match themed salute to the King of Pop, the late Michael Jackson, followed by the Eighties disco at the club house.

Chelmsford Undertakers 50 - 36 Wanstead 3rds.
On a day more suitable for sunbathing the Chelmsford Undertakers scored their first league victory of the season with a hard fought victory over a youthful Wanstead side finishing two converted tries clear 50 points to 36.
Having beaten the Wanstead side on three occasions last season, including in the B&L Merit League finals day game, a vastly experienced Chelmsford side proved more than a match for the youthful Wanstead side.

Scrumhalf Scott Cohen lead from the off taking any opportunity to attack from the set pieces but often found himself isolated as the support players couldn't keep pace with his lightning breaks. Solid outhalf replacement Pip Tett, uncharacteristically taking the direct route, crashing in to the Wanstead halfbacks with what was to become a trademark hand/belly off offered the forwards a wide platform on which to base their attack on the Wanstead line. Veteran prop Darryl Newport crashed over from short range to open the scoring with Cohen converting.

Following an injury to returning fullback Tom Mckenna his replacement, Rick Griffiths, seemed to offer Wanstead some hope as his glacial speed in fielding the ball saw him caught in his own twenty-two with no support to hand. Miraculously Wanstead were unable to convert the pressure in to points and Chelmsford cleared their lines.
As the Chelmsford pack started to dominate the set pieces Wanstead sensed their best option was to run the older, and wiser, Chelmsford pack around the paddock and started to capitalise on the blues mistakes. A break from Number 8, Elliott Zagger, from out wide just inside his own half saw the Wanstead players appeal to the referee as he danced along just skirting the touchline. With no touch judge on the far side the referee called play on and Zagger continued his dash for the line. Cohen converted widening the lead to 14 points and it looked as if Wanstead would find themselves on the end of another defeat.

Sloppy handling by Chelmsford saw Wanstead reply with two converted tries before 2nd row James Crouch crashed over with Cohen converting to give the home side a seven point cushion at the break leading 21-14.
The second half, playing downhill with the wind on their backs and the sun in the opposition's eyes, Chelmsford opened the scoring as Zagger grabbed a second. Super heavy weight flyhalf Tett soon followed Zagger on to the score sheet following some hard straight running and an enormous belly off that flatten the Wanstead inside backs.
Wanstead finally realised that running the ball wide would likely cause problems for the Chelmsford team and closed the gap with a convert try. Some interesting hard driving defensive play from Newport saw his own second row, Russell Robertson, suffering from a blow to the kidneys at which point his face turning a shade of the pink to match his shorts. Robertson soldiered on but Wanstead continued to build momentum with two more unconverted tries.
In a move reminiscent of the Jean de Villers' try in the Tri-Nations game that morning, Tett intercepted a Wanstead ball just on halfway and started the long run to the tryline. With the spectators expecting the fly half to run out of gas way before the line Tett stunned them and his team mates by scoring the try. With the score sitting at 36-31 first half try scorer Crouch threw an interception pass and Wanstead return the favour with and unconverted try. 36-36.
As time ticked away the victory seemed to be slipping away from Chelmsford but more direct running saw Zagger grab his third for the day which Cohen converted.

Cohen rounded off a good day at the office converting his own try and bringing the final score to 50-36.
Next week, 19th, the team travels to Westcliff to take on their 4ths.

Marbella 2008 - Veterans Tournament

Marbella 2008 Touring Side

Brothers?		Winners
Beer for		and After
Linekers - Puerto Banus		Dancers - Puerto Banus
The Matador?